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Disclaimers: I own nothing but my eclectic CD collection, my computer, my little beanie baby stegosaurus, and the Amber Benson picture I cut out of "Out" magazine and taped on my wall. Joss owns the girls, the gang, and Tara’s nasty bloodkin. I am making no money off this little piece. Also contains movie references (I’ve never seen "Aliens" but I saw "Spaceballs" so the reference works) to movies I would never ever claim to own.

Song Disclaimers: This is a songfic, and the song is from the self titled October Project CD. The song itself is called "Bury My Lovely." Go out and buy it, it’s a great album. I don’t own the song, by the way, and make no claim to it.

Basically I own nothing but my sick twisted mind!

Feedback is welcome at ressick@yahoo.com and archiving is wicked cool for all those I’ve formerly given permission to. If you’d like it and haven’t gotten that permission, just ask, I’m really a nice gal.

Summary & Spoiler Info: Post-"Family" songfic from Tara’s POV. Contains spoilers for general fifth season BtVS and episode 6, "Family." Also, this is a Riley-free-zone. PG

Additional Notes: Just got my tape of "Family" in the mail today and had to write this. I would have seen "Family" the night it aired, but my evil ex-roommate unplugged the television. So I had to wait. This is another of my "I really should have been doing my Latin homework written in under an hour" fics. I warned ya.

****

A Thousand Lies

by Ressick

~~~

Cover the mirror
Hide in your dreams
Forget what they told you
Forget what it means

It had been a truth hanging over my head ever since I can remember. A horror of my existence - that on my twentieth birthday I would turn into the demon that lay dormant inside me. My father used to say, "Be good, Tara, or your demon will come out early. Don’t want that, now do we?" For so long I was perfect, or tried to be. Donny teased me once. He made me watch "Aliens" and said that that was what happened to Maclay women. For three years afterward I had nightmares.

A picture worth a thousand lies
The memory and the mirror

I only have one picture of my mother. Dad said that she turned into a demon a year after I was born. He never wanted me to have any pictures of her, but he never knew I had it either. I needed to look at that, and try to remember my mother - her touch, her voice, her laugh. I would look in the mirror, and compare myself to her. Our eyes are the same. The same sadness, I think.

Nothing but what came before
Nothing but a closing door

There was no celebration when I received my acceptance letter to UC Sunnydale. No party or special dinner or even a simple congratulations. I left for school on my own, with a surplus army duffel and a box of books, walking to the bus station. And I never looked back.

A picture worth a thousand lies
A thousand words
A thousand eyes

All the lies they told me... And now I have to wonder where my mother really is. That picture that I have is over twenty years old now. She has to be somewhere. I never tried to look for her, I thought she was a demon. Now I know she’s out there. And I have to find her.

Bury my lovely
Hide in your room
Bury my lovely
Forget me soon
Forget me
Forget me now
Forget me not

I never wanted to hurt Willow. I never wanted to fall in love either. Well, of course I did. But I never wanted to hurt anyone. I didn’t think anyone could love a demon, and I knew I would be one someday. I thought about leaving Sunnydale as my birthday approached. I know that Willow is strong, she could have moved on, gotten over me, fallen in love again, and never given a second thought to her Tar-Bear. But in the end, I was too selfish. I needed her. I love her. And I just couldn’t bear to leave her like that.

Cover the madness
Cover the fear
No one will ever
Know you were here

There was so much fear inside of me. That I would be discovered, that I would hurt someone, that the Initiative would lock me up and experiment on me. But then again, no one ever really noticed me before Willow. I could have disappeared off the face of the planet, and no one in any of my classes or on my floor in the dorm would have noticed. I had no friends. And I think that thought depressed me even more. To have been a literal nobody...

A figure in the hallway light
Returning like a ghost
Something that was left behind
Something in a child’s mind

When I saw Donny in The Magic Box, it was like seeing a picture of someone I knew back in kindergarten. It didn’t feel like it was really happening. He was the nightmare of my childhood, a bully of an older brother. I hadn’t stuttered in a long time, and he made me feel like a stupid little girl again.

Bury my lovely
Hide in your room
Bury my lovely
Forget me soon
Forget me

If I could have saved Willow, and the Scoobies, from my family, I would have. If not for their own benefit, then for mine. How could anyone love someone who comes from such a family? Only my Willow.

Forget me now
Forget me not
Bury my lovely
Bury the lies
Bury me under
A thousand goodbyes

I never wanted to see them again, when I left for college. I hoped that they would forget about me, the shy stuttering girl they never seemed to really love, no matter the number of times they said it to me. And now, maybe I’ll have that blessing, of never seeing them.

A shadow from another time
Is waiting in the night
Something happened long ago
Something that will not let go

They must have chased away my mother. They must have sent her away from me, kept me as a hostage from the next generation of Maclay women. But I’m free now. And I can’t let her stay out of my life anymore. I have so much to share with her, so much to tell her. I want her to meet Willow.

Bury my lovely
Hide in your room
Bury my lovely
Forget me soon
Forget me
Forget me now
Forget me not

Even though I almost killed them all, the Scoobies still consider me family. They are the family that I never thought I’d ever have. A family full of love, with a father in Mr. Giles, a bumbling older brother in Xander, a harsh if inwardly caring sister in Anya, a mother in Mrs. Summers, the glue of the family in Buffy, and a beloved little sister in Dawn. Even Spike is like the disaffected cousin who hangs around and complains all the time.

Of course, there’s Willow. The magic in my life, the first person who ever loved me for who I am, with all my faults and little quirks and strange relatives. Even with my lies to her. I thought on my twentieth birthday I would turn into some evil soulless demon who would as soon kill someone as look at them. Instead, I spent my twentieth birthday surrounded by my real family, and in the arms of my love. No matter how horrible I’m feeling, she always lifts me up to the stars. She’s so beautiful and full of love. I can’t take my eyes off her.

~ Finis ~

Post fic note: I didn’t come up with the cutesy couple nickame of Tar-Bear, that was the genius of someone else... I believe Rane, so bow down to her...