If You Could Only See

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Disclaimers: The characters aren't mine and belong to this guy called Joss and his cardboard alien minions. I am a lowly peon playing with his toys, and I will return them! The song belongs to Tonic, off their CD "Lemon Parade." Lyrics were kindly provided to me by my buddy shay, thanks go to her in copious amounts.

Summary/Setup thingie: Imagine if the fight in "The Yoko Factor" was just that much more nasty and bitter. This is set between "TYF" and "Primeval". Contains mucho sappiness. But hey, they were making googly eyes all season...

Comments, constructive criticism and wads of cash can be sent to ressick@yahoo.com if you'd like. Archiving: Gary and laral have dibs if they want it, everyone else has to ask nicely.

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If You Could Only See

by Ressick

...

The clock says it's midnight. I think I've been here for months instead. A very pleasant span of time I'll admit, here with her. Tara loses all her shyness in slumber, and she's absolutely beautiful. But I'm biased, being her girlfriend. Which is currently the source of my unhappies. Not that being her girlfriend is making me unhappy, rather my friend's reactions to that fact. I never thought I could ever call their support for me into question. But apparently, I can.

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do

Damn, why did that song have to come on the radio? I'm crying again, and she's already held me for hours while I wept. But the tears are there again, streaking down my face. Instinctively, she's hugging me again, in her sleep. I'm glad I asked to stay. Being alone tonight would not have been a good idea. Where would I have gone, anyway? Home, to a room I share with a friend that's never there, or to my parent's house that's never really been a home in the first place? Instead, I'm here where I'm always safe: Tara's room. It was scary at first, staying the night. We both promised ourselves we'd go slow. But it's just been snugglies, in an only slightly more than platonic sense, so I guess we're doing okay. And everything in the world just has to be right as long as I'm in her arms, like I am right now.

If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

It was a mistake, I admit, to keep my friendship with Tara a secret. When the truth came out, it was just that much more of a surprise because I was in love with someone my friends barely had even met, let alone gotten to know. If they could only have seen how she looks at me, or how I must look at her, or our stuttering conversations early on after we went past the 'just friends' stage. Even the quietly whispered words that make me smile for days when Tara says them, the simple "I love you" so direct and honest from her heart, her eyes clear and intense each time she says them.

Well you got your reasons

It's new, for them to see me with a girl this way. I can understand them being freaked... it wasn't the easiest thing to come to grips with for me either... There were so many nights when I'd come home from here, and the confusion would set in, and then I'd cry myself to sleep. But Buffy never saw it, because she'd come in so late from slaying, or never even show cuz she was over at Riley's.

And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size

Always the hacker girl, or the wicca girl, or the best friend only when Buffy needs a shoulder to cry on... haven't we grown apart enough this year? I can't remember the last "Scooby-only" night, or the last time I actually sat down and talked with Xander, let alone Buffy.

Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't

Xander and Anya are only together because they have sex all the time, and sometimes I think that's why Buffy and Riley are together too, especially after that incident at the frat house. Do they really love each other? I know I love Tara, and that she loves me, but are they that lucky? Look at her, here, outlined in the moon's gentle glow. Isn't she beautiful? I know how lucky I am. I don't think Buffy and Xander realize what they're missing.

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

I have to talk to them, Buffy and Xander and Giles, before things get any worse. But how do I start the conversation? Do I wave my rainbow flag and say, "Hi, let's make up now that you know I'm bi"? I don't think so. I need them to know Tara, to see who she is and how much we care about each other. I know she needs to feel like she's not my dirty little secret. I know that hurt her so much, even though she hid it behind the love in her eyes.

Seems the road less traveled
Show's happiness unraveled

I wouldn't say things have unraveled all that much, they're just a little frayed. And I know that I've never been this happy before. Before Tara everything was black and white and now it's all this glorious Technicolor.

And you got to take a little dirt
To keep what you love
That's what you gotta do

So I got into a fight with my friends? It's happened before. If that's the price for keeping secrets, for falling in love when I least expected to, so be it. She is my world, in a non-co-dependent sense. Not like Oz, who defined me for so long, but rather she's forced me, in her own quiet, kind way, to define myself for myself. I'm Willow Rosenberg, hacker, wicca, girlfriend, research girl, best friend, and occasional helper in world saveage, not necessarily in that order. Tara's shown me who I am, let me find myself, and for that she has given me my sense of self back.

Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't
You're stretching out your arms to something that's just not there
Sayin' you love where you stand

Buffy and Xander have so much to offer to someone that they really love, and I don't think they've really been able to find that someone. I don't know if it's because my eyes are a little more open these days, but maybe Buffy could have found that with Faith, and Xander maybe with Cordelia, if they had had the courage to open up, not block those two out of their hearts.

Give your heart when you can

That's what I've done, I think. Given my heart to someone who treasures it, just as I treasure hers. I did love Oz, maybe a small small part of me still does, as a friend, but with Tara everything is so much more. More loving, tender, gentle, expressive, open, everything that a relationship should be. It's like that old story about the people with two heads and four arms. I don't know if it's just the high of new love, but she could be my other half. I pray she is.

She's waking up. Goddess, she's beautiful. And her eyes, are just so open, trusting, caring that I can't imagine not being able to fall into them every time I glance her way. And she's whispering, in that sexy way she has, those three words again. Knowing somehow that I need to hear them just now. "I love you too, Tara."

Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't
Sayin' you love where you stand
Give your heart when you can

Buffy and Xander really don't know what they're missing. I've given my heart, I can see it reflected in her eyes. Now, I can pillow my head on her shoulder, and maybe with her soothing voice singing that lullaby she always hums, I can sleep a little longer...

I'll go and try to make up with the Scoobs today, but for now, I'm safe and happy here in her arms. I'll try to make Buffy and Xander see how important Tara is to me, how much I love her, maybe how scared I was to tell them. Maybe they'll understand. Maybe someday they'll be as lucky as I am. Because her eyes are so blue when she whispers those words to me, that I know her very soul is expressing itself. And she loves me. As I love her.

Finis