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Disclaimers: I own nothing but some books on weird subjects. Joss and the cardboard aliens own everything, including me. I am a lowly peon, I shall return his toys in due course. The song is "How's It Going To Be" by Third Eye Blind off their self-titled album. The lyrics are a combination of the liner notes and what I could make out off the actual CD- so they might be a little inaccurate and for that I apologize in advance.

Contains girl-girl action of a totally PGish variety, but it's a CANON couple- woo and hoo!

Summary: My take on Willow's "questioning stage". Angsty!

Constructive criticism, flames, and huge wads o' cash can be directed to ressick@yahoo.com if you so desire. Archiving: Gary and laral have dibs, everyone else has to ask nicely.

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How's It Going To Be

by Ressick

...

Willow returned to her empty dorm room, head bent and completely exhausted. What with exams, research papers, fighting demons, and having her own life, separate from the Scoobies, she didn't have much time for sleep. The hacker glanced over at the bed next to hers. It hadn't been touched in days, she knew. Buffy was always with Riley, if she wasn't slaying, and oftentimes lately it seemed she brought her boyfriend along even for that. Where slaying was once a Scooby-team sport, suddenly it had turned into a twosome event. Willow couldn't remember the last time she talked, really talked, to her best friend. She switched on the stereo and let the music slowly wash over her, trying to clear her head. As she pulled on her pajamas, she was almost able to relax.

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore,

I need to talk to her! she yelled silently. I don't know anything anymore and every time I try and talk to her she's with Riley! Willow didn't want to begrudge her best friend her happiness, but still, it would have been nice to have been able to sit down with the slayer, and talk about more than her latest boyfriend. Not that she didn't like Riley, he was a nice enough guy for being part of a secret Government operation, but still.

before you take a swing, I wonder,
what are we fighting for,

The little petty disagreements were getting more and more common. They couldn't agree on who should vacuum, or if they actually wanted to meet, where and when they should. As they drifted apart, it was harder and harder to forgive the other's little quirks or odd habits. And they were drifting. The once inseparable best friends barely saw each other.

when I say out loud,
I want to get out of this,
I wonder, is there anything I'm going to miss,

Yes! Willow missed the old Scooby gang, even Cordelia. At least in high school they had been a real team, working to defeat the forces of darkness, instead of bickering over who would pay the tip at dinner or who left Amy's cage open.

I wonder, how's it going to be,
when you don't know me anymore

Do I even know myself anymore? Willow wondered. She buried her head in her hands, letting the tears finally flow down her face. "When did this happen?" she wondered out loud. "When did I... god I can't even say the word... and could this be more Ellen-ish?" But that was the problem. The word. The word that had started her to wondering back in high school with her skanky evil self such a reflection of her hidden wants and needs and desires. "Bisexual," she whispered. "Kinda gay." She couldn't ignore that she had loved Oz, had loved him very much. She wasn't sure whether it was romantic love or not, but bisexual was a safe word. It meant she could still settle down with the 2.5 children, the banker husband, and the white picket fence complete with collie dog. And not end up with the loving partner, zero kids, and five cats, not to mention a "lifestyle" that people died for. "Except maybe that's what I want," she muttered, to her old friend Amy, who looked up from her grain with a look of ratly interest and concern. Maybe that's what I want with Tara, she finished unconsciously.

how's it going to be,
when you're sure I'm not there,

"I'm not here now!" she said loudly. "Or I might as well not be! Does she really need me now that she has an express pass to the Initiative, plus Riley!?" She glared at Buffy's picture, the old picture of them on graduation day, after the world saveage was complete. "Do you really need me anymore?" she asked the picture softly. Her best friend's smiling visage refused to answer.

how's it going to be,
where there is no one there to talk to, between you and me

"I can't imagine not having her there to talk to, just because, or sit down for a random movie night, or even just seeing her stuff scattered around the room. And I can't imagine life without Xander, because I can't remember any time before we were friends."

'cause I don't care,
how's it going to be,
how's it going to be,

"But I do care!" she said forlornly to her ratified friend.

where we used to laugh,
there's a shouting match,
sharp as a thumbnail scratch,
a silence I can't ignore,
like... the hammock by the doorway we spent time in,
swings empty, I don't see lightening like last fall when it was always about to hit me,

"Everything's changed so much," she said softly. Amy looked up again, and sniffed the air between them. "Oh, Amy, when did things get so complicated? When did we get so far apart that we can't even talk anymore?" The stiff silence between herself and her best friend most of the time hammered away at Willow's nerves. The simple reminders of how close they had been tore at her heart.

I wonder, how's it gonna be
when it goes down
how it's gonna be
when you're not around,
how's it gonna be
when you found out there was nothing between you and me
'cause I don't care, how's it gonna be

Maybe they could work out the distance between them. But Willow wasn't quite able to muster the courage to open up about her problems and Buffy seemed much too self-absorbed to try and wheedle the words out of her best friend. Willow sighed, and laid back on her bed.

how's it gonna be
when you don't know me anymore
and how's it gonna be

"I'm gay, Buffy, and I don't know how to tell you," she whispered softly. "I'm in love again, and I can't say a word because you've never even met her." She turned, and punched at her pillow. "Oh, god!" she cried, "I don't know what to do!"

what are you...
the salt of love's oblivion
I wanna taste the salt on your skin
the salt of love's oblivion, oblivion

Her new love's words, "I am, you know... yours," rang in her ears like the sweetest song imaginable. Their gentle kisses, and hesitant touches, set her skin ablaze and her heart pounding in her ears. Not even at the best points in her relationship with Oz did he make her feel how just a glance from Tara would.

how's it gonna be
when you don't know me anymore
how's it gonna be
how's it gonna be
how's it gonna be

Willow crept under the covers of her bed, and softly wept until she fell asleep. Amy rustled about in her cage and settled in for the night. Just outside their dorm room's door, Buffy sank to the floor guiltily, angry at herself for causing Willow so much pain, shocked at her best friend's unintended revelation and ashamed at having listened in. "I'm so sorry, Wills," she whispered, "I promise I'll make things right again, I swear it." Her words fell on sleeping ears, and after a long time, she rose and unlocked the door, slipping into the room. She tucked the covers around her best friend, changed Amy's food dish, and then crawled into bed herself, waiting for the dawn of a new day to perhaps lift the mantle of guilt that had settled around her shoulders with the words her best friend had never intended she hear.

Finis