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Disclaimers: I am but a humble peon to the king that is Joss. No use suing me, poor college student that I am. I understand my place in the universe, his toys will be returned with minimal drool on them. The lyrics and title belong to Vertical Horizon, and are from their CD "Everything You Want."

Canon coupleness in this story. If you can’t deal, there’s the back button for a reason.

Comments, questions, flames, and croutons may be directed to ressick@yahoo.com like always. I enjoy email, just for your information.

Dedication: the Muses, for finally returning. A month without those fine ladies is too long.

Summary: ANGST! Tara reflects after her breakup with Willow. I was feeling all pouty, okay? Oh, and it sort of involves my theory of Tara’s secret, so if you don’t want to hear other people’s ideas, this might not be the story for you.

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Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)

by Ressick She really left me. After we’d been through so much together. After discovering our true natures, after fighting the forces of darkness. After loving so much it hurt to think of life without the other. But she’s gone.

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I’m here to stay
Love can be so boring

It wasn’t boredom, at least, I don’t think so. There was so much happening. Right in the middle of the first semester, right after we’d declared our majors, right after defeating the demon of the week, she pulled me aside, and told me she couldn’t be with me any more. The stress of my secret was too much. It wasn’t all that great a secret. Yes, I kept it from her, but it wasn’t my place to tell her. It was Buffy’s secret in the first place. Just something I happened to be privy to. If she wanted to know it, she should have just asked her best friend. And yes, it must have hurt to discover that I knew Buffy maybe a little better than she did, just on a fundamental level, but she knew Buffy on a level I could never aspire to. They were best friends in the best sense of the term.

Nothing’s quite the same now
I just say your name now

But the worst part is, I’m still a member of the Scooby gang. I have to be, Buffy needs me. She hates to admit that she needs her best friend’s ex girlfriend, but she does, or without me she’d most likely lose control before she even gained it in the first place. She needs my help to control the darkness.

Now, when I say Willow’s name, it’s not the gentle way a lover would, but the bland voice of someone who needs to talk to someone they’ve been hurt by. They all treat me differently, as if I lost my true reason for being accepted, just because of our breakup.

But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You’re just the best I ever had

After a month apart, I could tell that she was drifting into the same painful area she’d been in when I first met her - during her post-Oz days - and I tried to make peace with her. I tried to return to the one person I felt totally safe with, the one person I ever thought truly loved me. And she wouldn’t. She was hurting too much.

So you stole my world
Now I’m just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

I think I’ve lost my reason for really getting up in the morning. I’m still making the dean’s list, of course, but it’s not the same. I’m a Scooby by default, not by acceptance, rather like Spike. And because I see Willow almost constantly, it’s hard to get past the pain she’s caused me, impossible to move on.

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

I almost, almost, stopped, and pulled away from the Scoobs. I almost turned back into the shy girl that Willow had first met. But then I decided that I couldn’t abandon my duty to Buffy. And that I would be unfaithful to my memories of our love if I nullified all the good changes Willow made in my life. I had become stronger, more confident because of her love and confidence in me. I owed it to her, and to myself, to stay the same person that I had become. A good person, a strong and confident person.

But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You’re just the best I ever had

At one time I couldn’t imagine losing her. And now that it’s a reality, maybe I still don’t believe it. She hasn’t moved on, and it’s been longer than the time between her relationship with Oz and when we fell in love. Maybe the hope is still there. Even considering how much she hurt me, I can’t find it in myself to hate her. Just as she doesn’t hate me. There’s more hurt and pain between us than anything else.

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside

I don’t know how to let go of the pain, how to let go of the love either. I wish I could repair all the holes in my heart... damn that’s so corny, but it feels like a big old chaos demon did ten rounds with my guts.

But I can’t take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You’re always right

Maybe I should have told her. But then I wouldn’t have fulfilled my destiny properly. I wouldn’t have done what I came to Sunnydale to do. It’s too hard to consider, either way. Either I screw up my life in general, by betraying a confidence, or I end up alone. Maybe Willow deserved to know. Yes, she did. But she didn’t deserve to find out like she did.

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I’m here to stay
Love can be so boring

Before Willow life was shades of gray- dull and boring and mundane. Then with her love came all the colors of the rainbow. I don’t know what life is like anymore. Muted grays and browns with an occasional spot of rust, perhaps.

What was it you wanted
Could it be I’m haunted

Destiny keeps saying that I’m on the right path. But I can’t imagine the future without her. It’s just too painful, or maybe I feel too directionless without her- her energy, her spirit, her love. I feel like I failed her. Like I couldn’t be who she wanted me to be. Maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t understand yet.

But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You’re just the best I ever had

She was the best person in my life, the light of it. Oh, no, I’m really moping if I start being all cliched. It doesn’t matter, it’s true. I don’t know why that hurts so much... There’s a knock at the door, and I just wanted to spend the day alone too...

"Willow?"

~finis~