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Labels, Willow and Tara, Etc.

by Ressick

I think there are two schools of thought on the Tara and Willow situation, ignoring the phobes of course. One is the "Tara and Willow are in a GAY RELATIONSHIP. I call a dog a dog, so here I call them GAY (or bisexual)." The other seems to be "Tara and Willow are in love, who cares what they are?" Both are very much valid points of view, and in a lot of ways I agree with both. I think some of these divergent points of view stem from people's own orientations, where they live perhaps, and politics.

I'm young, I'm barely able to vote, so my schooling in queer politics is a little lacking. But I've noticed that there are also two strains of major thought in regular gay political circles: assimilationist, and revolutionist. Has anyone seen "After Stonewall"? That, and "The Advocate", have been my only tutors in gay politics (well, "Curve" too). I think that the post-Stonewall times, somewhere around the 70s mostly, were very revolutionary- gay people out on the streets, reveling in how they are *different* from the mainstream culture, and trying to change the world, for the better.

Lately, in the 90s, mainstream gay activism has been much more assimilationist. Today's gay activism rests on the ideal that gay people are just like straight people, except in who they fall in love with (gays try to de-sexualize the components of a relationship to freak the conservatives less, I believe). Today, saying that gay people are different almost seems taboo. Gays want to be treated the same as straights, so they try and appeal to everyone's common humanity. That makes sense. If a redneck conservative from down south (excuse the stereotype) sees that some freaky drag queen (again, excuse the stereotype) from New York is like him, he's just that more likely not to want that drag queen attacked and killed, or denied a job or housing. Because the drag queen is just like the redneck, they have a common humanity of living, breathing, learning, loving. Appealing to how people are alike ("that could happen to me, I could be them") makes it easier to see how gays and straights are similar.

Relating this to Willow and Tara: they are two people in love. Well, duh. So labeling them, having them cavort down the middle of the street on Pride Day, isn't going to make them seem similar to Mr. and Mrs. Jones in Iowa. It's easier to be comfortable with people who are different if they don't SEEM so different, or don't make it a point that they are different. This is a good position for the producers of Buffy, who don't want to alienate large segments of the audience by having rainbow flags waving ("all-gay, all-nekkid ep next season"). It is also good for the gay people who believe in assimilation, that gays should become just another part of mainstream culture. This is why, when I'm around most of my straight friends (even considering how cool they are about the me being gay thing), I don't go leering at girls or make "gay" comments. Assimilation, seeming the same as everyone else, makes life a LOT easier for gay people today. I do it every day. I don't go waving my rainbow flag (I don't even have one) in people's faces. I don't come out to everyone I meet. I try to act the same as everyone else, well, I'm weird so I don't, but I don't act GAY, whatever that means. I don't throw my being gay in people's faces.

Which sometimes makes me sick, because straight people go shoving their heterosexuality in my face ALL THE DAMN TIME. It's in movies, in television, in magazines, in music, in behavior, in day to day conventions of society and conversation. It's EVERYWHERE. Heterosexuality never seems aberrant, it never attracts stares or sneers or rude whispers. Assimilation, or at least the assimilation required to have survived high school, required basically acting asexual all the time so that you didn't act "gay". There are very, very few straight people I feel comfortable acting "gay" around- i.e. even looking at girls in a non-platonic way or discussing anything "gay". This is not how Tara and Willow should have to act to make it past the censors or the network! They should be able to act coupley! Being a couple means hugging, holding hands, kissing, fighting, cuddling, making love, and a thousand other things. We get very little of that right now (though it's very well done and very very sweet, and awesome, and JOSS IS GOD!). Assimilation, or survival, to be a bit more accurate, means trying not to act too coupley around straight people in general (how they got the courage to hold hands in public I don't know). I know a lot of older gay couples never do the PDA thing in a mainly straight environment. Younger gays, such as myself, are more confident, but the culture still demands extreme restraint if you want to be safe. There are young gay couples that are still very closeted. Culturally, assimilation is necessary.

A part of me hates assimilation. Yes, I want to be treated like everyone else, with respect and dignity. But I know I am different. Coming from a gay viewpoint, my outlook is different from that of my straight contemporaries. I come from a viewpoint where I know what it's like to be discriminated against, treated "different", feel invisible, alone, etc. I know I'm different, I've known that since I was five years old. I'm not just like straight people, our mainstream culture doesn't allow it. I wish things were different. They aren't. The revolutionist part of me wants Tara and Willow in gay pride t-shirts with their UHAUL on the second date and hiking boots and flannel, flaunting their gayness (or stereotypes thereof) everywhere. Because being gay, acting gay, ISN'T flaunting. It's existing. I want them to get on the damn college radio and say "Hi, we're Willow and Tara and we're a bisexual and a lesbian and we're in love with each other and that means we're acting GAY!!!!" Okay, not really, but you have to admit that'd be funny! My revolutionary mental voice is saying "Yes, they're in a QUEER RELATIONSHIP, so WAKE UP!" Call a dog a dog, that's not a crime (love is not a crime!). Some days, I want my fricking rainbow flag and to be dancing down the main street of my hometown waving it. Not gonna happen. Because in a lot of ways, I am assimilationist, and I do think, that if Miss Kitty Fantastico doesn't ever get named, that's okay, because pictures are worth a thousand words.

Pictures are worth a thousand words, and minds are most likely being changed because of how Joss and Co. are portraying the relationship. If Willow had said, "Tara is my LESBIAN girlfriend," do you think it would have had the same impact? It would have had the Christian Right out at full force, with Jerry Falwell leading the charge. Having them not name what exact kind of relationship Willow and Tara are in keeps them under the "Moral Majority" radar, yet allows them to subtly change minds. Whacking people over the head with the gay thing only makes them tune out a lot of times. If Willow had gone through a "Dawson's Creek"-esque questioning stage, if we'd seen her grapple with the LABEL of bi or gay (I, personally, think she's bisexual), then the queer viewers would have been ecstatic, but the straight viewers might have tuned out. Showing the LOVE versus the confusion made sense in a dramatic and political way. Joss isn't whacking us over the head, or shouting in our ear. He's showing us two people in love. Yay for him, yay for us, yay for the cute couple!

I think my politics in general influence how I look at Willow and Tara. I think that politics have a lot to do with how people are speaking out on this issue on various mailing lists and posting boards. Some days, I am sick of being viewed as "different", I want to be treated just like everyone else, and so therefore, I'm just ecstatic to have such a cute couple to look at on television, and to show straights how just like gays they are. Other days, I want to revel in my gayness, and I want to lead the fricking revolution. Then, I want Willow and Tara at Pride Day in Sunnydale, and I want them to use the dirty L word, and/or the dirty B word (lesbian and bisexual, respectively).

Labels suck, in a lot of ways. They are divisive, and encourage a lot of intolerance, because then people can use them in an evil way. But they do exist, not just as words, but as states of mind, such as gay, or straight (which basically equals "normal" or "mainstream"), or black, or white, or Chicano, or Latino, or Asian, or dude from New Jersey. Simply put, labels are what divide people. But they can also unite people, such as gay, straight, black, white, etc. If you didn't know a thing about me, you'd only be able to say that I'm a literate, English-speaking human (because my cat simply couldn't be this eloquent, or coherent). But because I'm writing this, you can label me as a W/T 'shipper, a Buffy fan, and gay-positive. Because of other things I've said elsewhere, you can label me as a Gen Y, a lesbian, and a Massachusetts citizen. All those labels make me similar to others, such as the 'shipper stuff, that makes me similar to a bunch of you, the Gen Y stuff that makes me like my classmates, the lesbian thing that makes me like Rita Mae Brown, and the Massachusetts stuff, that makes me like the guys from the Boston Tea Party. I have groups I can align myself to, and that makes me feel like I belong to something greater than me as an individual. Maybe as characters, Willow and Tara don't need that feeling of belonging to a gay community, or being around other gay/bi people. It's me, as a person, as a fan, that wants to hear The Words, to feel that affirmation from a product of mainstream culture for my "lifestyle".

Maybe Willow and Tara are okay with being just themselves, just together, without a thousand gay people saying "We're cool with that." I can see that; in the early stages of their relationship, I don't think reality has intruded much and they're just concentrating on themselves and their love. This may change later on, especially if they get adverse reactions to their relationship from random others, or parents. Then they may want to have that "it's cool" affirmation from other Real Live Gay People. Page one hundred and ten of Annie On My Mind: "We didn't really talk much about being gay; most of the time we just talked about ourselves. We were what seemed important then, not some label." Who are we to say that they need to go about with rainbow flags and obvious t-shirts? Right now, I'd say they are so wrapped up in their brand new love that labels aren't important. They're girlfriends, not lesbians, or bisexuals, or whatever. They're in love, that's all that matters to them. Willow realizes that it has had an impact on her greater life, "Things haven't been the same since Tara. Face it, you can't handle that Tara's my girlfriend!" (or something like that) but she doesn't let it overwhelm her, or force it to redefine her entire life. She's exceedingly well adjusted- being bisexual is just another part of her. We should all be so lucky as to not want or need that extra affirmation the gay community is so good at providing.

Most of us aren't that lucky, to be so happy with being queer. I surely am not. Some days, I just have to read fanfic, or gay books, or gay media, for hours just to feel a little bit better about who I am, or to just not feel so utterly invisible. And I love being gay! I think it's great! Just like I think being a girl is great, or being part Polish is in its own way cool- see, other kinds of labels!

I don't really know what to think most of the time. I'm just glad they're THERE, onscreen, obviously in love. Part of me wants them screaming the labels to the camera, or using The Words, while another part of me is assimilationist, and I like how it's so casual and normal and everything. I'm young, I know that during my lifetime there have been more outings than ever before, because the mainstream culture is allowing it. I remember how casual my mom was when I was younger, stating randomly as we watched a k.d. lang music video, that she was gay (this was when "Constant Craving" was new and a hit). I remember watching Ellen come out over an airport loudspeaker. These are all CHILDHOOD memories for me, and a lot of gay people, the older ones, aren't so lucky. They grew up invisible. Maybe they need Willow and Tara screaming it more than I do. But I still FEEL invisible. I remember each and every time I've seen real life gay couples on the street, just because most of the time gay couples are invisible, they try and pass so they don't get singled out. I remember coming out vividly, because it was such a milestone in my life. I remember the first time I hung out with an all-gay group of people. So yeah, I want them next season to use The Words. Pride Day in Sunnydale would be amazingly funny and sweet to watch, but I don't need to see it. I'll accept it if they never use The Words. Because I'm partly assimilationist, partly revolutionist. My politics as a person affect my take on Willow and Tara. And in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say 'bout that."

Written June 20, 2000